We in Columbus have been blessed with spring like weather recently. I was able to get out on my bike today that was great. It also got me thinking of a spring a few years ago. A was a college student, one of the top students in my program. I had a good job, when came to jobs college students have. But the best thing was after class was over I walked to the basement of Pommernce Hall to a campus eatery called the Mirror Lake Cafe and have dinner with a girl in a blue wheelchair. I remember she had the most beauitful smile I had ever seen and these brown eyes I couldn't help but get lost in. That spring we had something. We would sit in Mirror Lake and eat and talk for hours. We would laugh a lot, I remember when she would laugh really hard the skin between her upper lip and nose would wrinkle her up, i found it cute as heck for some reason.
She the happiness person I've ever known, but somtimes she would come depressed and frustsed. Sometimes it really got her down being disabled. She hated how it took her longer to do things, her memroy problems. She especially hated how people treated her. How people treated her. Let's be honest here some able bodied people treat the disabled like children She hated how social service agencies treat us like crap I could understand that because unlike me who was born disabled she was born non-disabled and made disabled by a horrible illness. I look at my disabilty just the way I've always been, no point in getting down about it, just got to play the hand I was dealt. In the end I guess we both right, when you are mistreated whether it's because you're disabled or whatever reason you should be upset and should do some thing about it. Everyone deserve to be treated with respect. Disabled people (myself included) often ignore mistreatment because it happens so often and we don't want to cause a fuss. Well guys we need to cause a fuss. I tried to make her feel better during these day, but this this was hard. Ithink it made it better to me with her, someone who cared about her.
Spring ended but what we had didn't, fall came and moved on campus just one street over from where dhe was living at the time, it was great. I remember that November it was a Tuesday night we had a thunder strom. Thunder strom are rare in Columbus that time of year. I was alone at my place. I had this balcony outside my bedroom, I stood on my balcony and watched this marvel of nature. I remember she had told me she had loved thunder stroms as a child. It occured to me that she herself was like a thunder strom. Strong beauitful, unpredictable, yet attractive. I went to bed that night and dreamed, I was with her during her illness. That I was with her when she transfered in and out of wheelchair the first time. The next day was a normal Wedesday and that night I started having the health problems that would lead up to my first seizure. Looking back on it it look more as a mysatic thing then it was. I remember the next month we had dinner together at Bob Evans. It was a couple weeks before Christmas. I still didn't know what was going on, I was half convinced I was going to die. We just sat there most in of the the meal in slince just enjoy each other company like a old married couple. I remember thinking enjoy this now we migh get to the old married coupled point and the end we didn't. It wasn't my health problems that got in the way either it was the normal crap. The main reason I think we didn't tell each other everything we needed too. I never really told her how I felt about her until the very end. Also she was I very private person who had alot of walls around her, I was able to get behind those walls to some extend but not as much as I would have liked.
A lot have change in the short time since then. In a sense that thunder storm that November night never ended. It is still blowing around the county, the econmic, and my life. We our in the greatest ecominc crais since The Great Depression. We are in wars in Iraq and Afgahstan. I have a countless number of seizures. Had and recovered from a mental health crias. Had about four different jobs. I don't feel like the same person I was back then. For one thing I was in a hurry to settle down with a wife and kids back then. I still want those things but now I realize it will happen when the time is right. There thing I want to do in my life before I settle down, questions I want to answer. I have become a roamer, a seeker. I've also become more relaxed and overall happier.
I still think of her and wonder if she thinks of me. Will we ever reunited, it is not likely, but I wouldn't rule it out. There a lot of water under that bridge. But what we had was strong.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Dreams
When I was a small boy I had a dream of growing up and becoming a teacher. I kept it under my hat because fullfiling the dreams of other, my therpist, my teachers, my parents, etc. They are dreamed me as being almost normal. This is a common situation for disabled kids then and unfortunly now. I not saying disabled kids shouldn't encouraged c to increase there capilibity, but it should be should made to feel like the child working on a team that is working to benefit his/herself. Not that she is working on own to please her parent, therpist. or teacher. And at some point someone needs to say ok folks this kid might be capable of more but we would have to push him to hard so let's just teach him to work with what he got. At no point should getting increasd capibity should become the center of a child's life. This never happened with me, my mom alway saw a time had time to be a kid and I'm thankful for that. Some of my friends I grew up with wasn't that lucky. I knew kids who went to therphy two three times a week plus what they got in school, this for CP, it not like this was for some progessive condition. That's not worse case, I met a mom who took her son out of state for therphy, that just utterly ridulous, that mom needs her head examined.
End of rant, back to subject. So I finally told people of my dream of teaching when I was in high school. I was told that it was unrealistic for me to want to teach because I was disabled. Even people who normally supported me, such as my mom, were skecial. The main issue was my speech, which I admit I speak differently but most people do fine understanding me. So which much gnawing and nashing of teeth I graduated high school and enrolled at Ohio State as special education major. I choice special education because I wanted to help with disabilties.
So I get to OSU and surprise things go very well. My grade are high, I love my field placement, got really good evalution. Also made some great friend and had some great times. Then my senior year things started coming apart. First off two faulty members who supported me and who I had a good relationships with retired. Next, in November I started having neulogical problems, with balence, sstiffness, and tremors. No one could explain why or how to fix it. I soidler on the best I could. Winter of the year of doom I had spend a quater working in the OSU reading clinc like all special ed major. The director of the clinic was convinced that disabled people couldn't teach. She did everything she could make my life hard that quarter. I tried to resolve the problem dipmaticlly, when that failed I tried yelling and treating to get her tenture revoked. This while was saking and falling down, can we get this picture. I get pass the reading clinc nazi don't ask me how. Then I had to apply to grad school because the osu program makes get your master before get your lincense. I was accepted to grad but the faulty minus my two mentors decided they were going to doubt my ability to teach despite my record and hand to prove myself during my first quarter grad school. I started grad school in the fall but I just couldn't take it, I was still having phyical heaith problems and I had started to have mental health problems. I had fallen into a deep depression. To compete in grad school you have be at your A game I was far from that A year of living under bad circumstances had take it's toll.
After I left grad school and got my health problems under control I started working at Easter Seals which is a preschool for special needs. I did a lot of healing there. I quickly fell with the kids and the work the staff and I were doing. Before then I had focused on K-12 special ed now I knew my place was not there but with the little ones. I have bounced around since then but my dream has been teach special needs preschool. I have found a program at Wright State Univerity that will let me fulfil my dream. I would have to move to Dayton, money is issue and Im still having seizure but rarly. Im not sure if I would able to be find a job after the progam. If I do it it will be a big gamble. But if the gamble pays off my dream will come true and more importantly if it pays of I might make possible disabled child to one day fulfill his dream
End of rant, back to subject. So I finally told people of my dream of teaching when I was in high school. I was told that it was unrealistic for me to want to teach because I was disabled. Even people who normally supported me, such as my mom, were skecial. The main issue was my speech, which I admit I speak differently but most people do fine understanding me. So which much gnawing and nashing of teeth I graduated high school and enrolled at Ohio State as special education major. I choice special education because I wanted to help with disabilties.
So I get to OSU and surprise things go very well. My grade are high, I love my field placement, got really good evalution. Also made some great friend and had some great times. Then my senior year things started coming apart. First off two faulty members who supported me and who I had a good relationships with retired. Next, in November I started having neulogical problems, with balence, sstiffness, and tremors. No one could explain why or how to fix it. I soidler on the best I could. Winter of the year of doom I had spend a quater working in the OSU reading clinc like all special ed major. The director of the clinic was convinced that disabled people couldn't teach. She did everything she could make my life hard that quarter. I tried to resolve the problem dipmaticlly, when that failed I tried yelling and treating to get her tenture revoked. This while was saking and falling down, can we get this picture. I get pass the reading clinc nazi don't ask me how. Then I had to apply to grad school because the osu program makes get your master before get your lincense. I was accepted to grad but the faulty minus my two mentors decided they were going to doubt my ability to teach despite my record and hand to prove myself during my first quarter grad school. I started grad school in the fall but I just couldn't take it, I was still having phyical heaith problems and I had started to have mental health problems. I had fallen into a deep depression. To compete in grad school you have be at your A game I was far from that A year of living under bad circumstances had take it's toll.
After I left grad school and got my health problems under control I started working at Easter Seals which is a preschool for special needs. I did a lot of healing there. I quickly fell with the kids and the work the staff and I were doing. Before then I had focused on K-12 special ed now I knew my place was not there but with the little ones. I have bounced around since then but my dream has been teach special needs preschool. I have found a program at Wright State Univerity that will let me fulfil my dream. I would have to move to Dayton, money is issue and Im still having seizure but rarly. Im not sure if I would able to be find a job after the progam. If I do it it will be a big gamble. But if the gamble pays off my dream will come true and more importantly if it pays of I might make possible disabled child to one day fulfill his dream
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Update on tech problem
Some of you of brought to my attention you have had trouble leaving comments. I adjusted the setting that should fix the problem. If it doesn't contact me via AIM or facebook. I want feedback on what I write and strongly encourage you to leave comments.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
I had a BAD day
I had a seizure today, it was my first one since late october. One the of you whom are not famliar with disabilitity related stuff seizures are not good things, having one is the closest to hell on earth as you can get. I didn't use to have seizures, I started having them fall of my senior year of college and no one has been able to explain to me why. In fact they not sure they are really are seizures. I thought I had finally got them under control. Today that kind scatted that myth. Im just so frusted about the entire deal. The worse thing about it was I at the preschool where I volunteer, when happened, and me seizing upset the kids and staff, and generally dispurted everything, something I didn't want to do. The staff was totally thrown they called EMS,was totally unnessary. Which I can't blaim them they not use to that stuff they work mainly kids with Autism and speech delays. It's not like when I worked at the county school where they dealt with that stuff everyday. So I had to play the please Mr. Medic don't transport me game with EMS. This made harder by the fact that when I have one seizure I usually have muitples, which was this time was no exception. So I'm giving these guys a example of what seizures look like while I'm while I'm trying talk them out of taking me to the hospital, it was a nightmare. So my sister comes and helps me run the EMS guys off. As about to leave to come everybody told me told me they hope I felt better and they hope I'm back next Wednesday. It meant alot that they wany me back after all that. They are really good people up there.
Today got thinking many non-disabled people don't want to know about the struggles and hardships disabled face. All they want is the sucess stories, the girl who walked and talked when the doctors told her parent she wouldn't, the popular high school student in a wheelchair, the college graduate with CP and a winning smile. They don't know how hard it was get that sucess. That even now that that you are a "sucess story" your not immune to things like seizures and bathrooming accidents. I feel for disabled people especially kids there to much of focus on sucess. Yes disabled kids should be encouraged to sucess like non-disabled kids, but feel they also need encourage to be happy and to be a good person.
On a positve note I did enjoy my volunteering before the seizures. Working with children bring me nothing but joy and the teacher I'm working with rocks my world, she's great. I've bonded with this boy Gavin,he about 2.5 years he , he has Cerebral Palsy like I do. The PT at the school says I'm a good buddy for him. I just like hanging with him and I think he likes hanging with me.
Today got thinking many non-disabled people don't want to know about the struggles and hardships disabled face. All they want is the sucess stories, the girl who walked and talked when the doctors told her parent she wouldn't, the popular high school student in a wheelchair, the college graduate with CP and a winning smile. They don't know how hard it was get that sucess. That even now that that you are a "sucess story" your not immune to things like seizures and bathrooming accidents. I feel for disabled people especially kids there to much of focus on sucess. Yes disabled kids should be encouraged to sucess like non-disabled kids, but feel they also need encourage to be happy and to be a good person.
On a positve note I did enjoy my volunteering before the seizures. Working with children bring me nothing but joy and the teacher I'm working with rocks my world, she's great. I've bonded with this boy Gavin,he about 2.5 years he , he has Cerebral Palsy like I do. The PT at the school says I'm a good buddy for him. I just like hanging with him and I think he likes hanging with me.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The good of diapers
I have decided write a entry about diapers a wired topic for blog entry might think, but I feel it is a revelant one. Think abut we all use them as small children. For some disabled people who have issues with incontince diaper usages is life long. One thing I've noticed many disabeld people who not incontinent are starting to wear diapers for various reason. One such reason it is easier then getting out of there chair everytime they use the restroom. Other can't use the restroom alone and don't want be chain to a care provider 24/7 or play the hold it game. The third class of continent disabled diaper wearer is someone who is continent at most times but has accidents and chooses to wear diapers to avoid embrassment and make cleanup easier. I'm a member of the third class. I have stuggled with accidents since toilet training ( and I do mean stuggled) I went back to wearing diapers a couple years ago and it has made things SOOOO much easier. No more worrying about public accidents, no more long clean ups. The diapers I wear pull up and down so if I can get to the toilet I can do my business there. There are people in some circles that frown upon adults wearing diapers. I find ashame. I feel people should by encouaged to wear the underwear there most comfortable in whether that be boxer, breifs, throng, or diaper. When potty training disabled kids I don't think parent should really stress about it. If they are capable of being potty trained fine. But if they're not or if looks like accidents are going to be a serious problem just leave in diapers. There will switch back to diapers by there mid- 20"s anyway. LOL
Sunday, February 22, 2009
A word on time and change
I went to church today and there was a reading from the Book of Kings. It was the story of how Ejlah is taken up to God leaving part of his sprit with his student Elisha. It got me thinking about change. Change is the only real constant in life. Nothing ever remains the same. One hundred years from now the world totally different then it is today, just life the world is totally different now then it was 100 years ago
Change can be broken down into two types fast change and slow change. Fast change is like a building being ripped down, you see results immeditely. I remember when Ohio State ripped down the old student union I went by it one day and there it was, and went by there a couple weeks later and there was a hole where the union use be. Fast change doesn't usually make a big difference. It might seem like it makes a difference but it just shock value. The slow change is the change the really makes a difference. Most personal change is slow. Very rarly something will happen that changes who you are as a person. More often all of a sudden you will look back and say whoa I'm not the same person I was 5 or 10 years. Over the years your life exprinces have changed you, it's nothing you planned out. You might be the same at the core but the way you express yourself might have changed. What we exprience in life make who we are. Like if Elisha had not some of the expriences in his life he might not been able take some Ejiah's Sprit. It's funny when a meet follow disabled person we tend to have similiar personally traits, that's because we had simliar life expriences.
I've been thinking about changes in history you can see what led up to certain changes nothing happened overnight. Like the US revolution we didn't just decide in1776 we were going to tell the brits to take a flying leap, there was 20 years worth of events leading up to that. Also the Civil War was brewing back in the 1830"s. There was a big lead up to both World Wars. Granted Pearl Habor kind yank us in to WWII but FDR wasn't playing golf with Hitler and Emarbor of Japan before that either. With the Civil Rights Movement there was a long build up until it climaxed in the 1960's. I've always been interested in time travel, I think it would cool travel back in time to see what it was like. Lately I've watching this show on ABC called "Life on Mars" It's about this cop who gets hits by a car and find himself in 1973. It really cool, I wonder how I would react if something like that happened to me? Anyway, it really late need to go to bed.
Change can be broken down into two types fast change and slow change. Fast change is like a building being ripped down, you see results immeditely. I remember when Ohio State ripped down the old student union I went by it one day and there it was, and went by there a couple weeks later and there was a hole where the union use be. Fast change doesn't usually make a big difference. It might seem like it makes a difference but it just shock value. The slow change is the change the really makes a difference. Most personal change is slow. Very rarly something will happen that changes who you are as a person. More often all of a sudden you will look back and say whoa I'm not the same person I was 5 or 10 years. Over the years your life exprinces have changed you, it's nothing you planned out. You might be the same at the core but the way you express yourself might have changed. What we exprience in life make who we are. Like if Elisha had not some of the expriences in his life he might not been able take some Ejiah's Sprit. It's funny when a meet follow disabled person we tend to have similiar personally traits, that's because we had simliar life expriences.
I've been thinking about changes in history you can see what led up to certain changes nothing happened overnight. Like the US revolution we didn't just decide in1776 we were going to tell the brits to take a flying leap, there was 20 years worth of events leading up to that. Also the Civil War was brewing back in the 1830"s. There was a big lead up to both World Wars. Granted Pearl Habor kind yank us in to WWII but FDR wasn't playing golf with Hitler and Emarbor of Japan before that either. With the Civil Rights Movement there was a long build up until it climaxed in the 1960's. I've always been interested in time travel, I think it would cool travel back in time to see what it was like. Lately I've watching this show on ABC called "Life on Mars" It's about this cop who gets hits by a car and find himself in 1973. It really cool, I wonder how I would react if something like that happened to me? Anyway, it really late need to go to bed.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Hello Hello
This is my first go at this blogging stuff, so here it goes. I'm 25 and I live in Columbus Ohio. I have condition called Cerebral Palsy which is a caused by a brain injury at or shortly after birth. It main affects my speech and fine motor skills. I have a degree in special education from Ohio State. I do not have a teaching lincense how that occured I will go into in a later entry. The reason I started this blog is I have alot of stuff going on in my head and I think it would do me good to write it down, and why keep a private journal when you post your BS online for the entire world to see. I invison this blog include a wide range of topics disablity related issues politcal issues, music, pop culture, as well as stories from my life past and present. Feel free to comment on tell me what you think. Most of all I hope the blog entertains its readers and get them to think.
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